Yesterday, I was talking with a friend of mine about being in the friend zone. This friend, a woman, has a male acquaintance she was once dating until he dropped everything to whisk his bestest bestie (another woman) off on a trip after the bestest bestie was going through some “stuff”.
It turns out, this guy is actually stuck in the friend zone with his bestest bestie, who he’s apparently in love with.
For the last decade or so, he’s languished there in the hopes that the situation will change and she’ll welcome him into her heart. To that hope, I have but one thing to offer:
Never. Gonna. Happen.
It’s not. In all my years on this planet, I know if it happening precisely once, and I’ll get into that in a bit. The vast majority of friend zoned men are there, and they’re there for life. Period.
“That’s not right, though. She’s leading these guys on.”
Is she, though?
In most cases, a guy who is friend zoned knows it on some level. At some point, they’ve asked the girl out and gotten a “no”. I’m sorry, but that’s usually an indication that she’s not interested.
Yes, that “no” might have been followed by a “right now,” and that’s one failing women have in this. They want to spare the feelings of a guy they like but have no interest in romantically, so they might accidentally leave the door open for more.
However, when a man asks a second time, and she’s not involved, if you get another “no,” then it’s time to move on.
The truth of the matter is if you’re in the friend zone as hard as this guy I’m talking about–and my friend brought a couple of examples of guys doing crap like that–you’re not going to be happy either.
This guy mentioned above, we’ll call him Mark, had a relationship with a pretty awesome woman. She adored him, and the feeling seemed mutual. But, when his bestest bestie called, he dropped everything to take her off on a trip to get her mind off of her trouble.
Now, think for just a moment. A woman finds out that her boyfriend has taken another girl out of town without saying a thing.
Can you imagine how my friend took that?
Folks, remember those four basic parts of being a man? One of those was honorable, and this is a dishonorable act. I’m sorry, but it is.
You abandon your responsibilities, both to your job and your partner, just to take this friend on a trip without telling your partner that you’ll be in another city with another woman?
Further, my friend didn’t know about Mark’s bestest bestie. She didn’t know this woman even freaking existed until that moment. Why would someone keep their bestest bestie a secret?
Because they’re in love with her.
The reality is these guys are already in a relationship, a one-way relationship with the object of their affection. These other women are the primary focus. They are, essentially, unfaithful to their partners.
“Not if they’re not sleeping with the friend.”
Yes, they are. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have basically promised to put that woman on a level above all others save your mother and your daughter. Maybe your sister. If marriage happens, the women may well expect to move above your mother and sister, and she has good reason to do so.
When you’re in love with someone else who has you friend zoned, you’re placing another woman above her. You’re saying, “I’m in a relationship with you, but you’ll always be second fiddle to her.” You’re breaking that faith with your girlfriend or wife.
Show me a woman who will really be OK with that?
Further, these guys are not getting out of that friend zone. They’re not. She has them compartmentalized in that area because she likes them well enough to keep them around, but she has no romantic attraction to them and that’s not going to change. Seriously.
At that point, they’re a woobie. They’re a comfortable part of her life where she can turn in bad times. They’re an ego boost, someone they know will always love them no matter what.
Guys, if you’re in the friend zone, you’re not their Channing Tatum. You’re their old sweater.
As I said earlier, I know of one guy who got out of the friend zone and ended up marrying the woman. One.
What happened was the guy figured he was never getting out of the friend zone, so he sat the girl down and said that he couldn’t deal with this. He was in love with her, and it was tearing him apart to see her dating other guys. Then, when they broke up, he had to help pick up the pieces and she would never look at him the same way.
They were done.
This woman went to work and talked about what had happened ever chance she got until one of her coworkers with a lot more years and wisdom looked at her and said, “You’re in love with him too.”
The woman let this sink in for a bit and realized the wizened coworker was right.
She left work, went to the guy’s house, and confessed that she was in love with him.
About six months later, they got married.
However, this is the exception, not the rule. In fact, this might be the only case of a man being friend zoned and ending up marrying the woman. It’s probably not, but it might. It’s that rare.
If you’re in the friend zone, you need to end it. You need to either walk away from that relationship or at least need to get some help so you can move on. Period.
Remember that no matter how much time you invest in a friendship, the woman is under no obligation to give you anything else. Just because you’re the bestest bestie imaginable, you’re still going to be a friend and nothing more.
Further, if the woman is particularly evil, she’s going to consciously keep you dangling with her just out of reach for as long as she can because it fuels her ego. She likes that this guy, and possibly many others, desire her and she can get what she wants out of them without ever having to do “girlfriend things.”
If she’s not that evil, then she’s having the exact same effect on you by accident. Her intentions may be purer, but the impact on your life is still the same.
The fact of the matter is that if you’re locked in the friend zone with a woman you’re in love with, that’s on you. You’re keeping your butt there all on your own at this point.
Further, you’re going to screw up every other relationship in your life until such a time as you recognize that you’re in love with someone that doesn’t love you the same way and that you’re in a one-sided relationship.
Guys, stop it. Knock that crap off, pull yourself together, and move on. You’re literally doing no one any favors by being like this.